Fear, No Dull Moments

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I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. Ephesians 1:18-19

As a Mommy in Ministry there are times when I deeply desire to have a pause button so that I can accomplish tasks that have been put on the back burner. Numerous times I have asked God for a pause so I can take a moment to be spiritually recharged. There are gaps even in this space where nothing is documented because my real life is so full something had to give.

In March we all were asked to pause. Thinking it would be over quick we snuggled in for fun family time. Realizing that this pause was going to look more like six months or years sent everyone into a bleach and toilet paper buying frenzy. A case of 96 rolls for our family of six kept the bathroom stocked for 16 weeks, but we weren’t worried, not much anyway.

We got creative and turned our dining room into a green house, planting seeds for a fruitful harvest. If it had been up to us a few handfuls of green beans, four beats, and some cherry tomatoes would not have sustained us. Chalk that one up to building memories and praise Jesus for the produce department at the local grocery store!

I became a weekly sour dough bread baker. Even exchanging recipes on social media and “perfecting” my own–which changes every time I bake bread, thank you humidity. Zack and I gained weight, the kids grew, and we found our selves in a form of survival mode that was building Anxiety daily.

A form of xenophobia struck us and the realization that we needed to address our emotions splintered and became real and tangible. We began to name our emotions and address the feelings. We are certainly not perfect but it is helping with our communication and being self aware.

Tragedy struck our extended family and my husband lost a whole generation with in a week with the passing of his grandparents due to this virus that had cause the world to pause. Now being able to mourn together was the strangest most detached feeling.

But praise the Lord for Spring and Summer helping us to feel a sense of adventure by finding ways to get out in nature and explore. And praise the Lord for a back yard that is fenced in and water from a hose bringing entertainment for the youngest ones.

Plans were canceled, work was reduced. The organization of all the corners lost it’s glory when not able to enjoy the tidiness by inviting friends or family over. The clutter seemed to find it’s way back into place settling into nests. Time was fluid and often lost. Days, weeks, months flooded together.

Six months, vaporized. More change and more unknown as we inched toward the school year. Surveys and feelings with no right answer. Each family having to choose what is the best answer for their circumstance and non-ideal.

The conclusion of 2019 left us all doubting that online school was not sustainable. It just isn’t plausible to have consistent coverage and resources for everyone. Praise the Lord we are in an amazing school district! They are making online school work. A HUGE learning curve, tears, frustration. Access to the internet, and things that we tried to keep at a minimum was not a necessity to know how to navigate.

Great teachers reassure us that it is going to be okay and that we will get through it together. We formulate a mantra Grace, Hope, and flexibility. We preach it, we talk about it. It makes us feel better.

Long Fall days, filled with bucket list items including cider, doughnuts, and pumpkins. An extraordinary amount of creativity is needed at work–I am feeling empty. Turning into a hobbit is not a viable option, though a desired one. We must rally. We must.

Sleepless nights now make us grow weary. Longings for something, but the uncertainty of this time bring is to a cross road. Right now there are so many variables that are possible we have to make a pros list and hope that it out weighs the con list.

The only thing certain is God’s love poured out in and through Jesus the Christ.

Jury Duty

A New Chapter

Commencement was in May. I worked very hard all Summer and finished my last nine credits in August of 2018. My peace maker also graduated from Preschool. For him it was on to Kindergarten which he is doing very well. For me…I met with the District Committee on Ordained Ministry and they gave me a not yet. This means I must edit and resubmit my paperwork and they also said I should get my CPE credit. I see only the good, but it sure was a kick in the teeth. This will give me an opportunity to spend the Summer playing with my kiddos and enjoying the season. As always doubt shrouds my call and I fear I am never going to make it. Then I taken a moment and refresh my mind as to why I am pursuing ordained ministry in the first place. The fact is I am not doing it for my pleasure. I am working towards being a pastor out of obedience to the call God placed on my life to live my life for Christ. I do not do this well, even as I type this I feel conviction over areas that I ought to give over to God.

 

Nearing the finish line.

 

I see the light at the end of the tunnel! I have one and a half semesters left of seminary. May 19th is commencement and I will finish my course work in August.

I’ve said it before, never in a million years would I have guessed that this was the plan for my life.

Working as the Children’s Ministry Coordinator at Berkeley First is so rewarding. I look forward to just having to juggle ministry and family my time at Asbury is complete.

My husband and I are good at juggling the day to day but tomorrow I have jury duty…this is a large wrench in the already full Mondays that we have.

I’ve never lived in a house long enough to have the pleasure of being summoned for jury duty. Ah, itinerary life of United Methodist clergy family.

So to prepare I will finish a paper tonight, get the little boys stuff peeped for preschool and sneak out of the house early in the morning to beat traffic and leave Zack with the shuttling of kids.

Re-Knit

It’s January 2nd and I know that flowers are not the typical image for this time of year they are a depiction of What God is about to do in my life.

I left this blog silent for  a while as I processed what God was doing in my life, my community, my family, and my church. 2017 was a whirl wind of a year. My Greek class left me drained and really depressed. I passed the class but could not give you any information that would be helpful that I learned from that class.

The rest of the year was a continual up and down of activity and emotions. I felt that everything I did was done half way and that I spread myself too thinly.

This year I am going after a few goals that I am hoping bring major changes in myself, my ministry and my family.

The idea that I can be “Re-knit” by God and that all that is empty can be filled by God is so overwhelming for my heart. So I am choosing to surrender things that are dear to me (coffee, sugar, self-hate) to fast these things and fill the wholes with self-love and hope.

I am feeling challenged and know that the struggle will be real as three of my children will celebrate birthdays during my fast and I am still in the midst of seminary.

God is doing great things.

 

Miss Molly Mac

I planned on making this blog about our new dog Molly, she is eight years old and has melded right into the family. She had a bad habit of snacking on trash, other than that she is a wonderful addition. The Rabbit, Stu-ella is quite indifferent towards the dog and keeps to herself much of the time. Speaking of animals, the youngest favors pretending to be a multitude of animals–horses and wolves being among the most popular.

I am certain now that the youngest is two, is doing great at potty training (when I remember), that I cannot call him the baby anymore. He in fact is a big boy! He has become a Joy maker in the home and makes the silliest faces. According to the bigs he packs a powerful punch, but I think that will mellow as his words continue to develop. He is very much like his siblings in drive and motivation to excel.

Happy St. Patricks Day

Last night I prepped green outfits for myself and the children squeezed green food coloring into the milk and began my morning with the excited sound of children seeing their cereal floating in a pool of green. Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

My morning continued as I chased my husband for not wearing green but red plaid on this festive day…forgetting, always forgetting he is RED/GREEN color-blind he states “Oh, I like this shirt even more now” bawhaha.

I have 15 minutes to pause today between studying, work and family. It is glorious. I’ve already had way more caffeine than a normal individual should probably consume and will have to find a bottle of water before the shakes commence…It is a pleasure on mornings that I get bonus time to study/work to use my $2.09 to make a coffee run, close the door of the office I share with Zack at the church and drown myself in doctrine and forum posts.

Today is a little different…we have a GROUPON! Usually we buy these things and forget about them until well after their expiration. So in a few minutes we will pick up the peace maker from preschool and enjoy an already paid for lunch out!

This afternoon I get to work my magic with a little data entry and hope the caffeine surging will keep me awake long enough to get the information on Sunday School Attendance for three months sorted…this information is vital to follow up so
I better get on it before I find myself stuck in a pile of paperwork.

Oh. gel food coloring takes a long time to mix in milk, now I have a half a jug of green milk to turn into delicious things the kids will eat.

 

 

Albatross

Samuel Taylor Coleridge is one of my favorite writers, I love the dark word pictures he uses. Today Greek is my albatross…It is interesting that an individual can work their tail off and then be crushed be the simple alphabetical grading system. Needless to say I will be suppressing this semester into the crevices of my brain and enjoy the fact that tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday and I get the next two weeks at home with my kiddos. Perhaps I’ll get my mind off matters by enjoying a little “book candy” reading, for pleasure of reading for a change.

Looking ahead–trying to stay positive.

 

A New World

We walk a lot. My curvy physique would not support this statement, but we love walking. I especially love to walk through crunchy colorful leaves.

The sound and smell makes me feel like alive inside. The youngest in our clan has chosen fall to leap from the stroller at any given time toward a pile of leaves…or puddle.

I love watching the kids race down the sidewalk on our trek home from picking up the twins from school (half mile one-way).

The best is when the kids ask to go on extra long walks–which usually results in good sleepers.

I love the shape of the trees after the leaves have fallen and their silhouettes against the sky.

I love baking and when I have a garden canning the fruit of my labor for colder months.

I love the earthy rich colors of fall and the smell of cinnamon, and cloves. I love sweaters and damp air.

Despite it being election day…and the end of the world drawing near…depending on who is elected…I am going to enjoy Fall.

 

Time Out

From the top of the stairs I can hear the kids playing and laughing…and screaming and fighting in the living room below as all the toys in the playroom go untouched. I am waiting for the three year old to finish going potty…cuz he’s still needs a little help or company while he tends to business.

I want to scrapbook or take a nap or just have a moment of quiet…I am blessed. I need to sit in this place more often.