Fear, No Dull Moments

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I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. Ephesians 1:18-19

As a Mommy in Ministry there are times when I deeply desire to have a pause button so that I can accomplish tasks that have been put on the back burner. Numerous times I have asked God for a pause so I can take a moment to be spiritually recharged. There are gaps even in this space where nothing is documented because my real life is so full something had to give.

In March we all were asked to pause. Thinking it would be over quick we snuggled in for fun family time. Realizing that this pause was going to look more like six months or years sent everyone into a bleach and toilet paper buying frenzy. A case of 96 rolls for our family of six kept the bathroom stocked for 16 weeks, but we weren’t worried, not much anyway.

We got creative and turned our dining room into a green house, planting seeds for a fruitful harvest. If it had been up to us a few handfuls of green beans, four beats, and some cherry tomatoes would not have sustained us. Chalk that one up to building memories and praise Jesus for the produce department at the local grocery store!

I became a weekly sour dough bread baker. Even exchanging recipes on social media and “perfecting” my own–which changes every time I bake bread, thank you humidity. Zack and I gained weight, the kids grew, and we found our selves in a form of survival mode that was building Anxiety daily.

A form of xenophobia struck us and the realization that we needed to address our emotions splintered and became real and tangible. We began to name our emotions and address the feelings. We are certainly not perfect but it is helping with our communication and being self aware.

Tragedy struck our extended family and my husband lost a whole generation with in a week with the passing of his grandparents due to this virus that had cause the world to pause. Now being able to mourn together was the strangest most detached feeling.

But praise the Lord for Spring and Summer helping us to feel a sense of adventure by finding ways to get out in nature and explore. And praise the Lord for a back yard that is fenced in and water from a hose bringing entertainment for the youngest ones.

Plans were canceled, work was reduced. The organization of all the corners lost it’s glory when not able to enjoy the tidiness by inviting friends or family over. The clutter seemed to find it’s way back into place settling into nests. Time was fluid and often lost. Days, weeks, months flooded together.

Six months, vaporized. More change and more unknown as we inched toward the school year. Surveys and feelings with no right answer. Each family having to choose what is the best answer for their circumstance and non-ideal.

The conclusion of 2019 left us all doubting that online school was not sustainable. It just isn’t plausible to have consistent coverage and resources for everyone. Praise the Lord we are in an amazing school district! They are making online school work. A HUGE learning curve, tears, frustration. Access to the internet, and things that we tried to keep at a minimum was not a necessity to know how to navigate.

Great teachers reassure us that it is going to be okay and that we will get through it together. We formulate a mantra Grace, Hope, and flexibility. We preach it, we talk about it. It makes us feel better.

Long Fall days, filled with bucket list items including cider, doughnuts, and pumpkins. An extraordinary amount of creativity is needed at work–I am feeling empty. Turning into a hobbit is not a viable option, though a desired one. We must rally. We must.

Sleepless nights now make us grow weary. Longings for something, but the uncertainty of this time bring is to a cross road. Right now there are so many variables that are possible we have to make a pros list and hope that it out weighs the con list.

The only thing certain is God’s love poured out in and through Jesus the Christ.